When I started this blog, it was meant to be about the funny side of life. I meant to use it as a place to push my preceived limitations (and hopefully yours too) and to laugh at myself in the process. One of the things I love about myself is my ability to know when to laugh it off. Especially since moving into the wide world of crafting! In this photoshop world everything can be made to appear perfect. I have found that following simple recipes, even to the letter doesn't guarantee a good outcome. I've also learned that craft tutorials sometimes seem easier than they are. My favourite discovery is that the picture in my head doesn't always translate to the project - and that's OK!
Where I am today though, is more deeply personal and sensitive. Maybe it's better kept to myself. But I'm not very good at being quiet, especially when being quiet is part of the problem. Like most families, we have our problems. Not within the core though. Hubs and I are rock solid. We have a love story like no other. We, as a couple, are unwavering. But it certainly doesn't stop outsiders from trying! In 19 years, we've been challenged by outside problems. Someday I'll write a book (because how hard can that be? LOL) but for now, suffice it to say that not many gave us any hope of staying together or for him making me happy. Some have tried very hard, repeatedly, to cause a break up. Well, try as they did, it didn't and won't happen. We are the real thing. We are forever.
We are more than a couple, Hubs and me. We are parents, and children, and siblings. We are part of a bigger whole. And that's where today's post comes from. There has been a big elephant in the room for too long and it's long since time that somebody spoke about it. Pretending it isn't there won't make it go away. Shining a light on it, likely won't help much either. But, typing it out helps me vent my feelings. And sharing it publically, could help someone else, and by some stroke of a miracle, the right person could read this and pull his/her head out of .... well out of the dark.
Back in September 2009 I posted the follow bit on my Facebook page. The subject of the post took personal offence. What he needed to do was take notice! However, here we are some 2 years later and we're still dealing with addiction in the family and the addict still thinks he controls things. Well take note Addict. While it may appear on the surface that nothing has changed, rest assured, everything is about to change. Because as they say, if nothing changes, nothing changes.
So here is what I wrote 2 years ago:
Over the last few days I have learned a great many things. Among other things, I have learned just how dark the dark side of society is. I have learned just how relentless addiction is. I have learned how very strong and resilient I am. I have learned that when love is pure, it can not and will not be destroyed.
Addiction shatters lives. Addiction shatters families…. but it will NOT shatter mine.
Addicts are manipulative. They will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, play, control, and use whoever and whatever they can to get what they want. Addicts will wipe out whatever stands between them and their vice and they don’t care who they hurt in the process. I don’t believe that they are unaware of the pain they cause, but I do believe that they are not capable of caring.
Addiction is a disease, but it is not an excuse. It is not an excuse for tearing apart a family. It is not an excuse for stealing from an employer. It is not an excuse for hurting the very people who are trying to help you. It is not an excuse for attacking people and blaming them for your mistakes. Addiction is not an excuse for using people and casting them aside when they’ve given you all they can and there’s no more to give.
I am not an addict. But I am the victim of one and as such, I know the pain the addict’s actions cause. I can tell you this with certainty: This too shall pass and I will not be broken. My family will not be destroyed. LOVE conquers all and I now know my own strength.
I knew the moment I first laid eyes on Fraser that he is my “one”. He is my lobster (thank you Phoebe). He is my forever love. He is the first cut… and yes it was the deepest. He was impossible to get over when life separated him from me for the better part of 13 years. My heart yearned for him every day. Fate crossed our paths several times over the years before finally bringing him back to me forever over 17 years ago. A love like ours can not and will not be broken. We will survive this, whole and stronger than ever. No matter where the journey takes us, it takes US together. We are a pair, a team, a couple. We are in this together for the long haul – as we vowed, for better and for worse.
When I became a mother, I experienced a love like no other; a love deeper than any I ever could know. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I expect no less from Fraser. He is a good father - the best actually. Everything he does, he does from a place of love. He is a kind and gentle giant. He is passionate. He is intelligent beyond measure. He is soft and tough. If he is on your side, if he is your hero, your partner, your brother, your uncle, your cousin, your father, your son, your friend, then you are truly blessed. He will fight for you, support you, defend you, love you with a passion greater than words can describe. I am more blessed than all of you combined, for he is my husband, my partner in life.
No matter what trials and challenges life has thrown at us, we have survived – and believe me, we have had more than our fair share. When the dust settles on this latest challenge, we will still be together, closer and better than ever, because we have a love that is stronger than steel. I will give him the room he needs to be the father he needs to be, to support his child getting life back on track. I will support him through the hard parts, as I have always done, as he has done for me. No matter how hard it gets, I will be by his side, as he has always been for me. I know that as bad as it has been, the worst may be yet to come. I pray that in fact, the worst is behind us. But it matters not, for whatever is ahead of us, it is my lips he kisses last at night, and first in the morning – every day – and that will never change.
Through all of this, I have tried to maintain my brighter-side attitude. It wasn’t automatic. It was too easy to slip into anger and resentment. It was too easy to question why us? Why now? Why, when we have both already endured so much, separately and together, all our lives. Why are we being asked to endure still more. And then it hit me, in the quiet of the night that I am truly grateful for the opportunity to see just what we are capable of. Grateful to see that no matter what life throws at us we can cope because we have each other.
I am grateful to have had the opportunity to learn that I am the woman my mother created me to be. I am the mother I was destined to be. I am the wife I have always desired to be. I am the business woman the Universe asked me to be. I am the person I dreamed I would be. I am stronger than I ever thought I would need to be. I am smarter than any challenge cast my way. I am resilient and tenacious. I am loving and I am loved. I am brave. I am blessed. I am… who I was meant to be and I will not be broken.
Today, I'm writing to say that the sentiment of that post has not changed. My anger has passed, but the meaning of the post remains the same. Hubs and I are happier than ever. We have the life I dreamed of, and the one Hubs promissed me. We have an amazing 16 year old daughter that we are extremely proud of. And we continue to work together to deal with the issue of addiction.
What I most want readers to understand is that I have educated myself about the problems and the sickness of addiction. I know the difference between supporting and enabling. But that's easy for me, I'm not the biological parent. I have detached myself from the addict and his addiction, and his behaviour. Again, easy for me because I'm not the biological parent. I know without doubt, that if I were the biological parent it wouldn't be so easy to do the hard stuff. It's not that easy to be detached either. Addiction affects us all, and the addict is blind to the pain he causes. Couples with less tenacity than ours would have crumbled under the strain a long time ago.
What I know for sure now, is that if WE continue to do what WE have always done, WE are going to get the same results WE have always gotten. So something has got to change. Those closest to the addict say he 'appears' to have changed. Those not yet detached continue to hang on to the hope that they have done the right things and that the change that was needed is happening. I am less convinced, but no less hopeful.
Addict, if you're reading this, know this:
- Your mother and father love you more than you know.
- Your behaviour and addiction has caused a lot of hurt, but it can all be fixed. It starts with you getting clean. Go to a meeting. Ask for help. Help is there. Just ask.
- While you consider me your enemy, one day you will learn I am, and always have been, your greatest ally.
- There is a better life waiting for you, but you need help to find it. You can't do it alone!
- Your trusted safety nets are folded up and put away. Enough is enough. It's time for change. You may not want to change, but trust me, change IS coming.
Readers, if you're still reading, thank you. I know it's wordy... for me, it's a release and I appreciate your participation in my healing.
