Social Networking IRL

I was invited to attend a "tweet up".  I'm new to the Twitter world and had no idea what a tweet up was.  But I was intriqued.  Plus, for many years, I worked in a very social industry and since "retiring" I have been quite isolated - by choice.  So really, how hard could it be to walk in to a public place and join a group of strangers? I mean, gosh, I did that for more than 5 years in my previous vocation.  Well it was harder than I thought. 

The back story here, is that I was shy as a child.  No strike that.  I wasn't shy.  I actually was the exact opposite of shy (whatever that is).  Some would say desparate for attention.  However, what I really wanted to be, was invisible.  Being invisible, meant no rejection, no abandonment, no heartache.  But it also meant, no life.

When I became a mother, I didn't want my child to be introverted or shy.  Early on she showed me that she had the desire to be known and get to know others. I taught her how to make uncomfortable situations comfortable.  I taught her how to put others at ease. I taught her how to be a good friend.  She was an easy student.  When she was 2 I left (got fired from) my job as a law clerk.  For the next 8 years I was mostly a stay at home mother.  I loved it, but I was more invisible in this role, than I had ever been in my life before.  The internet provided some respite from the isolation.  By day I was a fantastic mom and by night, I was an online social butterfly.  Then I found this little franchise business that was a ladies fitness center pretending to be a social club... or maybe it was the other way around.  Anyway...

So for the next 2 years, I spent several hours a few days a week in the center of the "circuit" entertaining ("coaching") the ladies ("members").  Now I was truly the center of attention. I was a star!  I had found my calling!  I'm a leo after all.  So when the opportunity to buy one came up I leapt at it.  The next 3 years were day and night work.  Even when I was home, I was thinking, planning, marketing, praying, eating, drinking, sleeping "that place I'm not allowed to name by confidentiality agreement".  In the end, a dispute with the landlord left me no choice but to close the doors.  It often feels like a failure, but there are so many lessons learned, and positives that came out of it.  I still struggle with that, but I spent the better part of the past year licking my wounds and making peace with it. 

I have spent a lot of time in my own head this past year.  Looking for the silver lining.  Hanging on to the good parts.  Drowning out the bad.  I've also avoided seeing people and going places.  I was afraid to run in to someone who knew me.  Someone who might say something nasty, or hold me accountable for what couldn't be helped.  But with the aniversary of the closing quickly approaching, I realized that it's been a year since then, I did the very best I could, I touched a lot of lives, many touched my life!  I gave away so much of myself and sacrificed a lot to make it succeed, including time with my family. 

During this past summer we gutted (and I mean gut-ted) our main floor.  I LOVE my new kitchen.  I mean just look at it!  

 

We went from this, 

to THIS!

From this,

TO THIS!

Who wouldn't love that kitchen? 

And that brings me to the point of this rambling blog.  I am SO happy to be at home, cooking, cleaning, mothering, crafting, learning, growing.  I joke that I'm living the June Cleaver life.  But what's wrong with that?  I have enjoyed every minute of my days at home with my daughter.  I also enjoyed the 5 (post-baby) years I worked outside the home.  In that other itty bitty ugly kitchen, I wasn't inspired to do much.  So I did what was needed.  In my new beautiful kitchen, I am inspired. I want to cook, and bake, and experiment.  I want to present my family with dinner every night.  I am proud of my home.  I enjoy cleaning it (ok, not really, but it's got to be done and I may as well pretend to like it).  I enjoy making sure my husband knows I appreciate the hard work he does to provide us with all the opportunities he does.  I love being available to my daughter for everything she needs.  I am really happy as I am, but is it enough?  I think it's enough for me and I guess that's all that really matters.  But I attended my first social gathering in over a year today, and of course I have to make it a challenge, by making it a group of strangers and virtual friends. 

Having been out of the social scene for so long it was easy to say yes to the invite, but oh so hard to follow through.  As I'm driving to the location today, I'm wondering why I'm putting myself through this. But I stuck to it, and I went.  As my darling daughter says "I can do this".  I walk in, find the group, immediately see some faces I know (phew) and some very friendly people introduce themselves and make me feel instantly welcome.  So it was simply a social gathering, but all of the women I met handed me a business card and had some kind of business.  And then came the question "so what do you do?".  Argh.  What DO I do?  I don't actually DO anything. Yesterday, I was thrilled with that.  Tonight, I'm questioning if that's "enough".  Now, don't get me wrong.  No one made me feel that way, but me.  Everyone was gracious and friendly.  No one appeared to judge me.  But, the question instantly filled me with guilt over my "failed" business and lack of drive in my current days. 

I had a great day today.  I met some very nice people and enjoyed getting to know them.  I will go to others.  But I'm going to have to come to terms with how I view the role I've chosen in this life and I'm left wondering: what is it that makes me question my place in the world, when I'm happy with my homemaker life?